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Christina Riccis’ Big Head Adam K. Chorney 10.20.01-Brooklyn, NY |
Quickly on the matter of Chistina Ricci, and the likely possibility that she will be crushed under the weight of her own head:
In the past year, like myself, you may have grown increasingly alarmed by the sudden wilting away of Christina Ricci’s once adorably plump figure. Is she sick? Is she anorexic? Does she have an incredibly bad and extended case of diarrhea? You’ve probably asked yourself these very questions.
Though I hold you, dear reader, in the highest esteem, I worry that in your inquiries into this matter you were mostly concerned about Ms. Ricci’s weight loss only to the extent that it affected her (once) ample bosom. I, on the other hand — and the fine scientists at the Luxembourg Center for the Intense Study of Obscure and Wholly Irrelevant Topics(LCISOWIT) – are more concerned that this sudden and massive reduction in mass may put the critically acclaimed actress in risk of having her neck buckle under the sheer weight of her (still) gigantic cranium.
In sum, her bosom is now small, but her head remains abnormally large. Without the necessary support that her larger frame formerly provided by nature of its well-distributed heft, we here at the Institute believe she is in serious risk of Spinalcrushida due to the inability of her spine to be the sole support against the crushing weight of her big, fat head.
Signed,
Certain individuals, including, but not exclusive to:
Napoleon Bonaparte & Dr. Flintoff
– Dr. Flintoff Award Winners 1997 –
Adam Kyle Chorney
– subscriber: Us Weekly, Entertainment Weekly, People Weekly –
I happen to be cruising the Internet this fine Monday when to my delight I found this wonderful article addressing what’s on everyone’s mind but no one is talking about: Christina Rici’s’ dangerously disproportionate cranium. Over the past year I have conducted a series of independent studies targeting the neurological dangers associated with C. Rici’s’ condition. I regret to report that the subject data reveals some ALARMING findings. Due to the imbalance in mass between C. Rici’s’ head and body there is an abnormally high concentration of basal ganglia stem cells at the top of her spinal cord. This increase in synaptic activity in Rici’s’ neck in conjunction with her dramatic (and may I say tragic) reduction in bust size has the potential to exponentially increase the rate at which this transformation is taking place.
At this point I was forced to terminate my study because a new danger was emerging. The computer model I was utilizing predicted the development of an instability so intense between the mass of her head and the lack of mass of her body so as to create a fold in space similar to that which can occur if a black hole encounters a sub-atomic filament. If this were to occur, (and the event is imminent) every living thing within a half mile of the base of C.Rici’s’ skull will blink out of existence.
As a result of my findings, I’ve arranged for Christina to stay in the guest quarters at George W. Bush’s ranch