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I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue. > Adam K. Chorney > Summers in Maine: The Bacon Brothers Revealed (04-16-02)
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Summers in Maine: The Bacon Brothers Revealed

Adam K. Chorney
4/16/01-New York, NY

Submitted by Adam Kyle Chorney on behalf of God, on this 16th day of April, 80+ degrees outside in New York City:

Summers in Maine: The Bacon Brothers Revealed

Since I’m living in the fast lane of the New York advertising scene, I’m gonna make this quick: last time you heard from me John Tesh’s children were being dangled in front of the blood-thirsty programming execs at ABC like a mechanical rabbit at the dog track. And the fucking dogs got their fucking rabbit. So let’s all shed a tear for the kids and their lost futures, now that all their Dad’s NBA on NBC royalties are officially ceasing due to ABC’s insistence on coming up with their own theme song for next year’s NBA broadcasts. How they possibly expect to summon the essence of the NBA without John Tesh’s input is light years over my head, but this is ABC, so we shouldn’t be surprised. Next thing you know they’ll refuse to hire Marv Albert!

But more currently of concern is an ad I saw recently on TV. We all remember those Poland Spring commercials from back in the day – how could anyone forget "Poland Spring, what it means to be from Maine?" Well, they’re baaack! Sure they’re a little more schmaltzy than they used to be (how?), and sure they may be a little too new age (wait, is this possible?! Tesh?) and, well, slow, but the fact remains that Maine’s most famous spring is back on the air.

So why is this so significant? BECAUSE KEVIN BACON’S BROTHER (let’s just call him Kevin Bacon’s brother for short) WROTE THAT JINGLE!!! And guess what that means – more royalties! John Tesh’s mourning is Kevin Bacon’s Brother’s rejoicing. How perfectly ironic.

So can we look forward to more self-financed Bacon Brothers acoustic-soul LPs now that the money’s gonna be rolling in again like it was in the 80’s? More these-lyrics-are-so-incisive-because-we-share-a-bond-of-blood revelry now that Kevin Bacon’s Brother can start to pull his own financial weight? More appearances by the both of them on The View and Live with Regis & Kelly now that Ma and Pa Bacon can be proud of BOTH of their sons? I tell you one thing – I’ve sure got my fingers crossed because Kevin may have the looks, the talent, the money, the hot wife, and all the luck, but Kevin Bacon’s Brother’s got the art of the jingle, and believe you me, as a card carrying member of the advertising community, that’s a bankable skill! I’ll take "what it means to be from Maine" over "Flashdance" any day. In fact, I’m going to get me a cup of cold Poland Spring water right now. I see it as an investment.

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