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Tomarken.com > Dr. Bill Mendelshon > How to cheat on the woman you have(unfinished) (05-03-03)
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How to cheat on the woman you have(unfinished)
Dr. Bill Mendelshon
02.04.03-Chicago, IL

Dr. Bill Mendelshon’s final installment of his trilogy analloging his indepth research of the female species.

I am one of the few scientists who is well funded and has been afforded the opportunity to learn about a subject where little is known. The reason why so little is known is that women are like a very smart virus, they keep changing, adapting to their environment, and morphing into something that men will take care of and spend money on. Just when you think you have those crazy critters figured out and you can just about meet a hottie every night and have her drooling over you, they change their whole endocrine system, they change the balance of hormones, and become something different.

A doctor with a vision, on a mission…

My research has been conducted with a driving passion to fulfill my own curiosity and insatiable sexual appetite, but I have written about it with a goal of making the world a better place. What I mean is that our society has taken a turn for the worse, and I am trying to do my part to bring peace on earth. Let me take a moment to explain: As we all know, prostitution is the oldest profession on the planet. Hence, there was a time when sex, and even paying for sex was not considered taboo. Unfortunately, at some point in the history of civilized civilization, the notion that sex was not proper caught on. Hence, the more sex our current society has, the more comfortable we will become, and even more sex will spurn out of that. The more sex people have, the happier of a society we become as a whole. Soon thereafter, world peace ensues. Simple enough, right?

That being said, I would like to continue on to the topic of my final installment. My two previous research essays have focused on the nature of man- to hunt. More specifically, to hunt beaver, to find the velvet jacket that fits us like a glove. What the research has not focused on is, at what point do you know you have reached the pinnacle, the apex, the climax, if you will, of beaver. When have you found that Roger Clemens, the Tom Seaver, the Cy Young of starting pitchers. The pitcher whom you would want to have on the mound everyday, or rather, be buried in her mound.

If you have followed my teachings over the past several months on negotiating talent to play games like "between the sheets," "hide the sausage," "doctor," and "break the cheerleaders’ pelvis," then you inevitably have had a strong rotation to work with. It is also inevitable that you have liked some more than others. But is there one beaver that smells better than the rest and if so, how do you know it is that beaver that you want pitching exclusively?

Before you think I have gone soft, I am a firm believer in the ancient Morman teachings of those bygomists from Utah. Yet it was a wise man named Wilt Chamberlain who was once asked why he still was seeing other women when it was known that he "loved" someone else. His answer, "I don’t see a ring on her finger." This man, known as "Wilt the Stilt" was a wise love pioneer ahead of his time. If there is no ring on her finger, aka a material possession that is supposed to symbolize how much you love a woman, then you truly have no commitment.

That said, is there truly ever a time to empty your bank account, put yourself in debt, become a bitch’s bitch? My research has shown there to be only one rare woman where that drastic of a measure makes sense….Britney Spears. Unfortunately, she has not answered any of my requests to come to my "lab" for "testing."

Yet there may be that ace of the staff that you prefer to play most of your games with. The only problem is that when that star pitcher knows she’s the star pitcher, she expects no other pitchers to be in your line-up. It is then your job as manager to convince her that not only is she the best pitcher you have ever seen, but the only pitcher you would ever want- without granting her salary arbitration and letting her take all your money. Your strategy must then change with your energies to be focused on your "bottom bitch" (if you recall from the second article actually means your number one ho).

Now you must understand that while you have chosen to keep one particular animal around, it does not mean you stop going to the zoo looking for other animals. As a wise professor named Dr. Smitty once said, "Just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu." I like to take his teachings one step further to, "Just because I ordered an entrée doesn’t mean I can’t have an appetizer, dinner salad, and some dessert." What this means is that you will concentrate most of your efforts on what’s important, but there are still some aspects of the meal, or team, that are important.


Dr. Bill’s Patented StrategiesSUPER STRATEGY #1
There becomes a very fine line that you must walk between fair and foul territory when you play on more than one field. Your biggest concern is to not get caught so you must take all precautions to prevent that most unfortunate turn of events. A few key pointers include:# 1. Never take a date or search for new dates in your number one broad’s neighborhood. If you live in a small town, get to a different area code, zip code, time zone, whatever it takes.

# 2. Never take a new ho or search for new ho’s at a place you have taken your number one ho. The reason is simple- after you have lied to your ho about why you can’t go out with her that night, she may want to get some of her friends to go to a place you have taken her so she can be reminded of you. I know, that sounds completely ridiculous, but remember the virus we are dealing with, unexplainable.

# 3. Never take a new pitching prospect or search for a new pitcher with people you don’t trust, especially those who know your star pitcher. This is a quick way to have your star quit and put herself on the free agent market never to return your calls again.

# 4. Never, under any circumstances, go out or attempt to go out with any of her friends. This should be obvious, but the male species has been known to act like a fucking idiot when presented with a sweet smelling beaver.

# 5. Lastly, if you ever have any doubts about something you are about to do, think maybe she might find out, or just don’t feel right about it, Don’t do it! Remember guys, we are not smart and tend to do stupid things.


It is possible to recruit other starting pitchers and be successful, just remember, our little head is much more powerful than our big head. And even when we can block out the little head, our big head only has a few brain cells left after all the weed and alcohol you have consumed, so it’s an uphill battle to stay ahead of the game. Always be thinking beaver, but always be thinking. Ask yourself, "Will this allow me to get more or less beaver over the long-term?" "If I get caught with this second-rate, one night, cheap slut, is it worth never playing with my star pitcher again?"Now gentlemen, and ladies if you love the taste of beaver as much as us guys, we need to go out there and hunt for all we’re worth. We need to secure a strong rotation of players, and we need to lock down that star pitcher if she has been found. But whether or not you find that apex of beavers, always remember: "Ain’t nothin’ finer than a fine naked lady holding a gun." Just make sure she’s not pointing it at you.And with that, I conclude my three part trilogy and will now only be available at your local bookstores for signings. Play on, playa’s.

-Dr Bill Mendelshon, 02.04.03

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