Controversial Love Doctor’s Penthouse Bombed! 05.02.03-Chicago, IL

CHICAGO — (AP) Writer/Publisher/Regular Kinda Guy Dr. Bill Mendelshon has gone missing-this after his Gold Coast apartment was bombed.

Investigators were at the scene trying to determine, not only the cause of this spectacular event but also of whom could have done such a thing from Dr. Mendelshon’s long list of fans and detractors.

Early reports indicate that several smart, laser guided projectiles were launched from an unidentified helicopter gun ship from approx. 2,000 ft. above the doctor’s dwelling.

Miraculously, there was very little fire if any at all associated with the bombing and the entire event was somehow restricted exclusively to Dr. Mendelshon’s 24th floor penthouse and gardens.

“This is the first time we have ever had anything like this,” said Officer Dombrowski, Chief Public Information Officer, Chicago Police Dept. “To have a bombing like this, completely isolated to this one particular apartment, with the assault coming directly from the sky is basically unheard of. Terrorism has not been ruled out as a cause in this case.”

Much criticism has been handed to the Chicago Police for their failure to secure the crime scene even hours after the bombing happened. Looters and potentially suspects returning to the scene of the crime arrived well ahead of police units making the investigation into the event incredibly complicated.

Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley

“If those bureaucrats down in Washington would’ve given Chicago the resources to fight terrorism through out this country we could’ve done the job better dan dem’”, raged Chicago Mayor Richard M. Dailey, “Give us the money and we can handle this ourselves…this type of mayhem should not be tolerated anywhere, but we will especially not tolerated in Chicago!”

With that in mind, the Chicago Police Department have released these tips as to how to protect oneself from such an event happening to their apartment while the investigation into the cause is still under way.

#1. Lock all windows and doors.
#2. Do not accept any unknown packages from any unknown individuals

“And exercise extreme caution,” Dombrowski said, “also if you see any suspicious helicopter gunships in your area, you would be advised to call the Chicago Police Department…together way may be able to stomp out terrorism.”

While investigation into the cause continues, the whereabouts of Dr. Mendelshon himself are not exactly known at this time.

“Alls I can say at this time is that we have no evidence to indicate that Dr. Menshelshon was or was not in the apartment at the time of bombings, or that he is actually walkin’ this earth on this fine day,” said Dombrowski, ” If he is walkin’ the earth and near a phone, we’ve certainly got some questions to ask ‘em.”Reaction to the incident was mixed as Dr. Menshelshon’s controversial writings have both staunch fans and avid protestors.

“Dr. Bill has changed my life," exclaimed streetwalker Larry Ombromowitz, "I mean we’re told about Dr. Phil but that guy’s a pussy…Dr. B-time really tells it like it is…I mean maybe told it like it ways, this is terrible for truth.”

“We hate him sure,” said Marlene Kontract of the North American League of Conservation Women Voters. “I mean he once said no means yes and we’ve been trying to get that impression changed since some eighties movie, he single handedly set us back decades. But did we bomb him out? No, it wasn’t us…we’re pro civilians.”

“Doctor Bill please come back,” cried little Timothy, age 12, “We need you for our generation or all will be lost!”

Being such publicly controversial figure, the investigation into the culprits behind Dr. Mendelshon’s penthouse bombing will be no easy task. The Chicago police has requested that anyone with any information into the bombings or the whereabouts of Dr. Mendelshon to call their special investigations unit at 312-745-4290 or come down in person to Police headquarters located at 1718 S. Michigan avenue. There is talk of Dr. Mednelshon’s publisher’s offering an reward, but no details were made available by the time of publication.

Tomarken.com’s Official Response to 5.2.03 incident involving Dr. Bill