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I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue. > Dr. Bill Mendelshon > Once You’ve Got a Woman, What do You Do With Her? (07-11-02)
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Once You’ve Got a Woman, What do You Do With Her?
Dr. Bill Mendelshon
07.09.02-Chicago, IL

If you have studied my first research report and you have put my theories into practice, then you currently have more women then you know what to do with. My current FDA-approved report covers three important topics:

1. How to prioritize which women you see and how often.
2. How to step to the plate and go for the extra base.
3. How to get rid of them when you have gotten everything you want or find someone with bigger tits.

Since I know we are all busy hunting beaver, I will jump right in. I am not only a writer of how to be a pimp, but I am also a practitioner. So if you have followed the advice of my first article, you have several women on your “depth chart.” The depth chart consists of the different women you are seeing, number one(1) in the rotation being the one you like the most and most often want to see.

Dr. Bill’s Patented Strategies

One important thing to keep in mind once you are dating some broad is not to be a chump. One way to avoid this is to not go out with her every night and to have some plans of your own. Once you are seeing the same girl every night, you have become her bitch and mind as well let her carry your cock and balls. But that’s a whole other research project.

Through trial and error, plug and play (pun intended), I have found it is difficult to let your depth chart go deeper than five broads at any one time. Here is why: Number one on your list should get one weekend night. This let’s her know that she is your “bottom bitch,” which actually means number one ho in pimpin’ terms. Whether she gets Friday or Saturday night, it does not matter, but you must use the other weekend night to add to your list of prospectives. We will get into that in a minute.

Your number two girl should get Thursday night. This let’s her know she is climbing your depth chart and will encourage her to please you even more so she can become your bottom bitch. Depending on how deep your chart goes, you move backwards:

Number three(3) gets Wednesday night,
Number four(4) gets Tuesday night,
and Number five(5) gets Monday night.
Simple. Yet it is also important to give yourself one night a week, preferably Sunday, to rest and revise your game plan. You must continually evaluate your performance so you can continually improve and trick hotter women into sleeping with you.

“But Dr. Bill,” some of you may ask, “What if our depth chart is not as deep as yours?” Well little Willy, there is nothing unusual about that and there are several solutions:

#1. You may choose to give your top broad an additional night.
#2. Or you may choose to take an additional night to prospect.

It is important to find your level of comfortability and maintain that number in your starting rotation. As you prospect more, gain more confidence, and begin to go out with better quality women, you can replace the least desirable woman with a better one. So if your threshold is three women, then you can:

Go out with number one(1) two nights a week
, One night each for numbers two(2) and three(3)
, Keep two nights for hunting better quality beaver, and
leave Sunday to regroup, and devise better hunting techniques.

So you have got your depth chart in order, you have gone out with the crazy broad and she is back at your place. What do you do now?

Dr. Bill’s Patented Strategies

One important thing to remember is that she wants it just as bad as you do, or else she would not be with you right now. Women are a bit more picky then men, they need a reason to have sex whereas men just need a place. But they have chosen you because you do not say stupid shit, you compliment her, and by looking her in the eye, you exude an aura that you are the king of lovemaking.

Many guys get all worked up over the first move. When should I do it? How should I do it? What should I say? None if this is important. What is important is that you sack up and dive right right in. There are two things that can happen when you make your move:

1. She wants it, let’s it happen, and you are on your way circling the base paths trying to break Barry Bonds’ record of 73 home runs in a year.
2. She does not want to become intimate with you so you find out right away before you waste any more time and money on the gold digger and kick her to the curb.

Either way you are much better off. Assuming you have gotten the green light to let the drag race begin, which is usually the case because women, although not very bright, will rarely go out with or come home with someone they do not want, there are two important rules to remember:

1. Five fingers and she’s out.
2. Three strikes and you’re out.
The five finger rule was first developed by Socrates and later proved in theory by Ron Jeremy. If you can fit five fingers in a girls’ velvet jacket, you do not want anything to do with her. She is a huge slut and may be carrying many disturbing features that she will pass along to you. You may still let her wash your tool, but do not put your tool in the tool box, for you might not get it back. And if you do get it back, it might get rusty way before its time. As you explain to her why her attempts at begging for sex are being unanswered, it is important to never call her the dirty slut that she is. In fact, it is extremely important that you never call any woman a slut. Being a slut is not a bad thing, in fact, it is better for the male population in general, so you never want to use that as your derogatory comment. I have plenty of other remarks that will work just fine but without encouraging them not to put out.

The three strikes and you are out rule comes from the Ancient Japanese Ming Dynasty and was kept alive through the Mayans, Aztecs, and latter Mike Tyson- although he didn’t quite grasp the rule in its entirety. As you circle the base paths with the speed of a cheetah, there are times when a woman will say, “no,” or “stop.” This is a perfectly normal response from the female species. It can be explained by their complex DNA structure and the fact that they have snakes in their heads restricting blood flow to the brain making it more difficult to have a rational thought. As you begin to pleasure them, the blood rushes to other parts of the body, creating an even more irrational thought process. Though they want to be pleasured, their mind starts racing and sometimes your woman may not know how to handle the situation. So when they mean yes, they may say no. The best thing you can do is slow down, put the car in reverse, and back up a bit. This will give the female creature time to catch up to herself, realize what a stupid comment she made, and possibly encourage you to get back to where you were.

You must always, always try three times to advance a base. Should she hit the cut off man a third time, that is when you know she actually means it, and you must stop for good.

It is a most rare occasion that a woman will be the aggressor in a sexual pursuit, so you must be the one to always make the move and keep making the move until you are certain she is looking for the batting average title rather than the home run crown. Should she give you the called third strike and you have not yet reached a satisfactory level of satisfaction, she may be subject to falling in the rotation or possibly being waived to free agency all together.

The final step to getting women is getting rid of unwanted women. It is very rare you will meet a broad who is not at least slightly crazy in some way. Most women, after being with you, will want a much more serious relationship. Do not be alarmed, that is a females’ “nesting nature.”
Most of your women will like you much more than you like them and will want to monopolize your time, monopolize your money, and monopolize your sperm. Alas, there are ways to let a woman know you would prefer to not see them anymore because you have too many other broads who have bigger milk bags than they do.

Dr. Bill’s Patented Strategies

Before we get into the different methods, it is key to remember never to piss a girl off and be a dick head about it, That is not the way of the zen-master beaver-hunter. A true black belt beaver hunter knows that once he tricks a woman into bed, he can usually trick that same beast into bed with him again. Always leave things on good terms for that future possibility of tasting her fruit yet again.

I have found two methods that have worked the best. One is the fade, the other is the bait and switch.

The fade is when you let her fall down your depth chart.
You call her less, maybe go out only once every two weeks, and you stop doing nice, thoughtful things for her like taking her out to dinner and going down on her. Then you just kind of let it fade and only call her once in awhile, preferably when you know she won’t answer to ask her how she is and what’s going on in her life. She will appreciate the fact that you still care, but understands you are not interested in seeing her at the moment.

The bait and switch consists of more of a direct approach.
It begins with the industry standard, “We need to talk.” You begin by lying to her and telling her how much you care for her and all the great things you like about her- the bait. Then you quickly switch to, “But I have been seeing someone else and we have decided to start dating exclusively.” This let’s her know that you are capable of a monogamous relationship, even though you are not, and it let’s her know that you do care for her, but she’s just not your number one horse right now. Again, keep in touch, preferably when you know she is not home, which allows her to keep you in her mind.

Keep in mind there are times when a woman’s snakes are very big and she can get quite emotional. If you think one of the women you are about to send down to the minors might have a breakdown and put lives or tools, at risk, this must be done over the phone. Should they continue to harass and call, do not answer any phone calls, do not return any emails, do not open any mail for at least 3-6 months, depending on the craziness of the broad.

Should you have any questions on these scientific theories and experiments, do not hesitate to write me and I will answer any question I can or attempt to conduct additional research to get the answer.

-Dr Bill Mendelshon, 7.09.02

4 Responses to “Once You’ve Got a Woman, What do You Do With Her?”
  1. dude bills article is like the funniest shit in the fucking world. this guy is great. he just cracked the list of my three favorite tomarken writers.


  2. Louie S., on October 7th, 2002 at 11:17 pm, said:

    Dear Dr. Bill,

    You said you welcomed questions? Well I’ve been following your advise and I have a couple of cuties on my list. I tried three but I just couldn’t keep up. Anyway, now that I got these cuties how do get them to be more adventerous with me. I mean specifically, these two girls are fun and between the two of them I’m getting busy like five nights a week. But I’ve always been mostly attracted to women’s asses and I’ve never been able to get inside one. In fact I’ve never even been able to bring up anal sex with any of my girlfriedns without them getting really pissed off and usually not wanting to get busy or even see me anymore. Your advise has been right on the button so far and I’m really stuck on this issue. What do you suggest I do?

    Louie S.

  3. Louie S., on October 16th, 2002 at 9:09 pm, said:

    Response received Wed, 16 Oct 2002 9:09:25 PM Pacific Daylight Time, From Louie S.:

    You guys are fucking assholes! Listen, let me spell it out for you. I think you guys have a good thing going with your website, it offers an outlet for unique opinions. But how the hell do you think your going to get anyone to offer candid opinions if YOU DONT PROTECT THEIR ANONIMITY?!? If you look carefully at the question I asked you to post to Dr. Bill, you will see it signed Louie S. I didn’t think you guys were running the type of operation that included taking peoples names off of the top line of their emails and broadcasting them to the world to see, when those people aren’t even thinking about the fact that their email service is doing putting their name up there. I want you to remove my actual name from my question IMMEDIATELY! While I was perfectly willing to share my opinion as Louie S. I had no intention of doing so under my own name. If that’s what I wanted, don’t you think I would have signed my letter that way? I hope that you guys down there with your big fancy web-site will prove that you are the ideal lovers of free speech and thought that you claim to be and not ignorant stranger-degrading assholes I feel like I am dealing with. I hope you post this letter so that your regular visitors and contributors are aware of your current policy of disregarding their privacy and I further hope that you will not only make but ADHERE TO a strict new policy of protecting their privacy in the future. I see no other way of your being able to continue an otherwise fine web-site. Alienating your contributors and disregarding their privacy is certainly not a good way to encourage contributions in the future. Hopefully this time you’ll only use the name I sign with and hopefully you will amend my previous contribution so that it also bears only that name and NOT THE NAME THAT MY CHILDREN RECOGNIZE AS THEIR FATHER!

    Louie S.

  4. tomarken response, on October 17th, 2002 at 11:31 am, said:


    Thank you for your comments, I felt they were expressed with sincere passion. We are sorry that you felt that your privacy was compromised. The format for which we have posted all of our respsonses involves posting the person’s name at the top of the response. When a person has desires that their submission to be posted differently, they must indicate that clearly when submitting para our policy posted on our website in the Manfesto section:

    “If you feel an explanation or a specific categorization is necessary in order to help someone interpret what it is you are trying to do, please attach that seperately as well, but that’s up to you.”

    In addition, I am writing you from North South Whales, Australia, and in the telephone book here I count two “INSERT LOUIE S.’s REAL NAME HERE”. Also, we never post your email addresses to the public–thus they have no means for which to contact you, which is our level of protection unless otherwise noted.

    If you were overly concerned about your percieved level of privacy, as you indicated in your letter, in consideration of our policies, I fail to understand why you didn’t make that increased level known to us. The goal of our website is to create a free flow of uncensored information for those who seek to avoid the zero sum gain and can not find a means elsewhere. We publish in a formulaic and blind manner so as not to compromise this principle, which is especially pertinent when considering that we deal with people that we don’t know. Any additional editorial control could only eventually afford a net of a zero sum gain.

    However, your reaction seems to express that our formula has caused you angst–TOMARKEN and its formulas are certainly not intended to cause YOU angst. So, I have published your letter as requested and your name in the format you requested with no problems, as soon as I was able.

    Sincerely, The Tomarken Board of Moderation
    Thank you for interacting with…
    “Mutually Beneficial for all Associated”

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