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Tomarken.com » Genetic Code of Aussie Phame
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To the future in reverse...
Polar bears are left handed.
Tomarken.com > Criticism > Genetic Code of Aussie Phame (03-07-04)
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Genetic Code of Aussie Phame
Daniel P. Beckmann, Moderator of Letters
01.19.03-Manly, NSW AUSTRALIA

With all this talk of cloning lately, maybe you’ve considered concocting a human yourself…maybe you’ve even considered bringing a bundle of joy into this world with the intention that they may, one day, be celebrated throughout the world at motion picture viewing stations and grocery check-out stands everywhere!!

There are indeed many things to consider, you could royally fuck up your new project’s chances if you don’t think of all that goes into phame. I won’t begin to preach about any of them except one pattern that I damn sure about:

You see, the idea of the great southern land mass, Australis, that would rival the those large masses made up the north is a long fabled idea. Such a mass was eventually discovered and become personified in today’s Australia. There are many celebrated folk of whom we believe come from this land mass, yet in almost every single case, if they have made worldwide, widespread fame, its shockingly not because they were born in Australia and the list to follow goes on and on….

Crowe, Russell-born a ‘Kiwi’ Russel Crowe. Sure you probably won’t find it all that biga deal that Russell Crowe, one who many consider Australian, is from across the Tasman over in New ZealandßBig WUP?the Aussie’s will toss So he was born in N-Zed, but be learned his acting skills in Australia…Ok-If only he were the only example, but there’s much more…
John, Olivia N.-born a ‘Brit’ But what about Oliva Newton John…say it ain’t so mate…Not Olivia Newton John? She can’t be from anywhere other than Melbourne—SHE’S A BONZER! Well, no Oxford, England to be exact->WOOPS!?
Kidman, Nicole-born a ‘Yank’ But that’s not all, the Aussies and in fact the whole wo-yald don’t want us to go here, but yes, Nicole Kidman. She might look OZee…she might even look like the devil, but this broad’s most definitely from Honolulu, Hawaii! That’s a big difference…she even lived in Washington, DC of all places before settling back down in Sydney!! (Now what are all the Aussie-zines going to fill all the News Agents with?)
Harbor Bridge-Sydney, NSW AUS/Hell Gate Bride-Queens, NY USA And this one’s gotta hurt in a country with virtually no sites of man-made wonder, we once thought they had two: the Harbor Bridge and the of course the Opera House. Well look at the Hell Gate Bridge used to carry Amtrak® across New York’s east river!! And they don’t even care about it enough to put it on their postcards!-An OutRAGE! I don’t even think New Yorkers generally even know the name of this one! (Oh, and that Opera House thing, that is an in original in Australia, but it wasn’t designed by an Australian).
Gibson, Mel-born a ‘Book-lyn’ boy Then there’s Mel Gibson. This is a shocking story of a boy from Brooklyn who’s daddy went on Jeopardy®, took the Daily Double® and moved his family and his son born in Brooklyn to Sydney.
The Koala-born in ???? Ewwww!!! I know what you’re thinking…I’m not playing fair on this one…but you go down to Australia yourself and see if you can find any Koala’s…sure there’ Koala looking people in some places, like the lot of ‘em up in Queensland, but they must just be crossbreeds, you can’t see this famous guy unless you shell out 10 smakeroos’ but they often include a visit with some other notable Australians…
Men at Wurk-born a bunch a ‘Scotts’ And these guys, may have come from the land down under, but maybe the reason they’re song is so empty on Australianism isn’t necessarily because there isn’t any culture in Australia, no…its because these blokes were born in Scotland!! YOUCH!-We request:Please don’t chunder
Outback Steakhouse(R)-born in Tampa, FL It may be New Rules, Just Right, but go to Australia and you won’t even be able to find one of these blasted joints! Yep, even the Australian-themed restaurant was born out of the sunny wisdom on West Florida…We comes from the land down unda!…more likely after eating here be prepared for increased movements down unda!. Maybe its in the Blomin’ Onion(R)?
“Phar Lap-born in N-Zed/Croaked in Cali Not even Australia’s most famous horse, “Phar Lap” that died on a visit to California is from OZ, no he was conceived in New Zealand too!

TO be fair, there are some examples of bone-fide well-known heds that actually came from Australia. Its just not well known if these folks are really celebrated or if there’s a inside joke that these guys just don’t seem to get…

Hogan, Paul “Crocodile Dundee”-Born New South Wales, AUS

Irwin, Steve “The Crocidle Hunter”-Born Victoria, AUS  

Coight, Russel “All Aussie Adventures”-Born Western Queensland, AUS

 
INXS-Born Victoria, AUS And now a very special group of Aussies, that sure, they stole the idea of U2, and sure they didn’t have longevity both in their physical and professional lives (and they said they would Never Tear Them Apart), but if you go down to Melbune, its like they’re still around, of course INXSßmaking chemistry teachers look cooler than they realize they are everywhere®!
Murdoch, Rupert-Born Victoria, AUS THE WORLD:”Hey Aussies…thanks a lot for this guy! By the way…you can have him back!”
MURDOCH TO HIMSELF:”I will get you world! hehehehehehhe…<{evil tonation implied}"
Skippy The Bush Kangaroo!-Born Victoria, AUS And finally who can forget fair Skippy and his flying Silo! Click on his ears for a special treat!

-Musical Reference-

Down Under-At Wurk, Men

Never Tear Us Apart-XS, IN

Skippy the Kangaroo(the song)


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