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Tomarken.com » List of things that make positive feelings go away
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To the future in reverse...
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Tomarken.com > Ambivilen > List of things that make positive feelings go away (09-21-04)
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List of things that make positive feelings go away

Richie Zevins
9/12/04-San Francisco, CA

1) List of things that make all positive feeling and emotion drain out of you and leave you only an empty shell of hopelessness and despair, and an appreciation of caustic wit:
a. Ex-girlfriends calling you and hanging up without leaving a message so that you won’t know they called, but you have caller ID, so you DO know they called.

b. Media sources and voters forgetting that George W. Bush’s administration will not keep us safe, because the largest terrorist attack on US soil in the country’s history ALREADY HAPPENED UNDER GEORGE W. BUSH’S ADMINISTRATION. How in the hell is that not evidence enough for 51% of registered American voters that he will not keep us safe?

c. Free concerts you attend that you want to leave immediately because of all the yuppie deuschbags surrounding you expounding about Train being the greatest band of the last three(3) decades.

d. Deliberately socializing with girls who remind you of your ex-girlfriend who keeps calling you and hanging up.

e. Playing Scrabble against someone who has memorized all the two- and three-letter words in the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary, yet knows fewer than 15% of their definitions.

f. Falling down a narrow and steep staircase to start the day, having to crawl back to bed because of the vomiting reflex and the intense agony shooting through your entire body, and then finally making it safely down the steps only to read about hundreds of children being murdered in Chechnya.

g. Donald Rumsfeld masturbating to computer porn in an underground bunker while looters carry away priceless Mesopotamian artifacts from the Iraqi National Museum. Meanwhile, American soldiers encounter the abandoned Iraqi National Zoo, and are forced to feed the animals who have already died to those animals which remain alive.

h. Calling your parents on a Friday night and hanging up when they don’t answer because they’re out having fun and you’re not, and then realizing that they’ll know you called and hung up because they have caller ID, and that they’ll be disappointed that you were home calling them instead of at either of two(2) parties heavily populated with members of the female persuasion who have specifically asked you to attend.

i. Writing lists of things that make all positive feeling and emotion drain out of you and leave you an empty shell of hopelessness and despair instead of going out to either of two(2) different parties heavily populated with members of the female persuasion who have specifically asked you to attend.

j. Choking up during the trailer for the movie "Wimbledon," a sweetly mainstream romantic comedy starring Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany as unbelievably attractive professional tennis players who place an extraordinary amount of importance upon the concept of "winning."

k. Full-out crying during the feature presentation, "Vanity Fair," despite the original story’s subtitle "A Novel Without a Hero," implying that there is absolutely no character worth sympathizing with during the course of the story.

l. Calling your ex-girlfriend and hanging up when she doesn’t answer, and then remembering that she has caller ID and will know that you called.

m. Wondering if you will ever hit your "Physical Prime," because at age 24 your arms look no different than they looked at ages 8 or 16-namely, they look like DeCecco Capellini #9, uncooked, and twenty(20) push-ups on alternating days during a span of just under five(5) weeks has not had the bloating effect that just under five(5) weeks-worth of boiling water has on DeCecco Capellini #9.

n. One of your closest friends throwing a bottle at you and hitting you in the face, and having the cut on your nose cleaned in the bathroom by the large-chested medical student you’ve been lusting after the entire night, and then she refers to you as a "Poor kid, poor, poor kid," completing the cycle of emasculation.

o. Spinning out in front of a large, orange tractor-trailer on a snowy highway in Nebraska, recovering nicely, then taking a wrong turn several minutes later and having your driving privileges revoked for the rest of an eleven(11)-day road trip from St. Louis to California and back.

p. Scraping a brand-new Lexus against a brand-new Mercedes the first and only night you valet park at your parents’ favorite restaurant, and then hiding the damage from the cars’ owners. Years later, your father then surprises you by taking you to a restaurant managed by the guy who hired you to valet park that time, and you question whether it’s a good idea to visit the east coast anymore.

q. Agreeing with the criticism that Social Work, as a profession, often plays into the Republicans’ ploys for social control, and realizing that you’ve just signed on for two(2) years of school to learn to become a social worker.

r. Leaving a message for your parents on their 25th anniversary that you "have absolutely nothing to say to them," and finding out from your brother the next day that it was actually their 25th anniversary and that they will probably not forgive you anytime in the near future for what you’ve done.

s. Eating mushrooms with your ex-girlfriend and figuring out, while at the height of your trip and while making out with her, that you never want to see her again.

t. Watching a close friend in 6th grade put a gift bag filled with dog food in the locker of the girl who refused to go out with him, and then being in his house when his mother finds out about it.

u. Reading letters "a-t" of a list of things that make all positive feeling and emotion drain out of you and leave you only an empty shell of hopelessness and despair, and an appreciation of caustic wit, and realizing that you have enough material left for letters "u-z."

v. The doyenne of the Coors family and beneficiary of the Coors family fortune favorably and seriously comparing George W. Bush to Jesus Christ.

w. Developing a roll of film several years after starting it, and finding that the people you took pictures of together are no longer speaking with each other or of each other.

x. The skin-burning California sun melting the candles on your windowsill and creating a situation in which dried wax is inextricably attached to your shag carpet, your wall, your window curtain, your bed, and your roommate’s bowl into which you poured the now-transformed liquid wax that was stagnating on said windowsill.

y. Accidentally loading spyware onto your parents’ home computer, forcing them to buy a new one.

z. Guessing that the person calling from a "número privado" is your boss, and answering the phone, and it turns out to be your ex-girlfriend.


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