A Letter to save ‘War in Iraq’ C. S. V. Boyairre 04.8.03-Oregon, OH

Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

U. S. Representative Marcy Kaptur, 9th District-Ohio
One Maritime Plaza
Toledo, OH 43604

Dear Honorable Rep. Marcy Kaptur, 9th District-Ohio,

Hey, how ya doing? It sure has been a long time since I stopped working for free in your office way back in 1997. Since then I’ve graduated high school, college and now graduate school this year. Not only has your office moved out of the old Federal Building as I have noticed, but as you may be aware a lot has changed in the Toledo area economy since those prosperous times.

In ‘97 I gave you a solid six (6) months of service and I have never asked you for any help or assistance until this point. I never even bothered you for one of those pesky letter of recommendations; you didn’t even spring for my parking! So on this day I am submitting this request, but please keep in mind, as always, our mutual benefit will be assured!

I am writing to request that the War in Iraq be continued on longer-not necessarily the actual, physical war, but most importantly that the name War in Iraq continue to be slated and used publicly where and whenever possible. You see, I am in a position to work at the General Information News Networks Conglomerated Corporations Industries, initially contracted only to be employed for their war coverage. Since I was only offered this opportunity this very week, if the war finishes this week or early next, I could be fired or worse yet, I might not even get to have the chance to start so that I may prove myself to the GINNCC network whatsoever.

I hope you can see my personal concern in all this but of course extending this war (or starting any new ones for that matter) would significantly boast the entire Toledo/Lucas County Area economy significantly, which to be Frank, is a rather putrid situation right now and since you’re so powerful it might as well be considered your fault.

If the war is over tomorrow lets say, I will be just one other unemployed Toledoean who will no longer have the opportunity to help influence the world towards opening up their factories in the Toledo area in order to propogate our happy order that we know as the Glass City. For without our factories our city’s all-important central back-bone of carpetbagging, hotnannying, racketeering and general goonery will be exposed to the light of day for the large mass of our bulky middle class population that will then be in the streets and out of the factories. We all know what that means->FLINT! And we most certainly do not want that!

We also all know that Toledo makes Jeeps® and we all know that Toledo made Jeeps® are driven by army dudes over in Iraq(I guess we won’t mention the sudden popularity of those non-Toledo built death-trap hummers®)—You do the math and it essentially equals that Army dudes at War in Iraq drive the Toledo Economy!! (Plus, if we extend the current war to take over more sandy countries, since glass is made out of sand primarily, with more sand under our control the price of sand will go through the basement!! We can make glass cheaper sos that our factories’ owners will have more lucrative investment opportunities in Northwest Ohio-its just simple economics woman!;).

Now, I know what you said about how everyone should learn Arabic-that was crazy. I also know of your most recent statements comparing Osama Bin Laden and his followers to that of our very own beloved American revolutionaries of the 18th Century–Boy did you get a lot of flack for that one! Look, here’s an easy way out of that mess and hey what could be stronger for Toledo than more talk of blowing stuff up?

I mean why did that Nancy Pelosi BITCH screw you out of the House Democratic Leadership hunnie? You know you’re the most senior women in the entire house!-let alone that skeleton of an existence that’s now known as the Democratic Party!!

Now, who put there year after year? Was it those word-smithing peacenicks Dick Cheney or Donnie Rumsfeld that want you to call this thing the TARGET: Iraqi Interim Muppet Government-eeck–Mr Clean himself couldn’t even sop up this mess!, AMERICA BACK AT YOU:Haha, French pussies in your froggy nose face!, or OPERATION: Iraqis Shut the Hell Up and be quiet–GINNCC go home there’s no story here and fire lots of people running around in circles back home like idiots?. I mean who the hell’s gonna watch 24-hours of mo-rons talking about all that non-sense? How are we gonna make maps with the arrows pointing at what?

What’s it gonna be? "Good Economy/Favorable Kaptur Ratings" or "Pets or Meats/Crazy Ol’ Ed Emory your arch rival getting 35% instead of 25%?
All the best,

C. S. V. Boyairre-Concerned citizen, registered voted, former intern.