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Tomarken.com > Ambivilen > My Dinner with Osama Bin Laden… (02-08-02)
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Msme. C.S.V. Boyairre
02.08.02-Chicago, IL

I know exactly what you’re thinking…’this guy is full of shit’ but that’s exactly what Osama said you would say. He told me that he was hiding out in America because with all of the westernized technologies that we have, including the television and the internet and of course MTV, people here keep their distance…much more than lets say Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia where they have not much else to do but gok and stare at an international legend.

So we met right here in Chicago at a place of his choosing…the Burger King at 2828 W. Belmont Ave. in Chicago, IL. We met around 9 PM an hour before closing so that there would be what he called some ‘conclusiveness’ to our gathering.

He order the BK Big Fish<(R)...by itself, and he enjoyed a medium-sized Minute Maid Orange Soda(R) in which he claimed “how do they get those oranges into that little spout?” he added, “None of the other drinks have this much fruit and Sprite(R) has too much sugar.” He really like Minute Maid(R)-go figure? He ordered the BK Big Fish(R) because he has a kidney condition in which he was told that fish can help. He refused to order the fries because he claimed “the fries here are too crunchy and they make me feel too greasy…I will only eat the fries at Dairy Queen family restaurants(R) which are far more whimpy!”

We talked for about 35 minutes, before he said that he needed to go home to ‘relieve himself’…from this reporter’s perspective, it seemed like he was overly concerned with his health and how he feels and about germs and how they were evil too. He asked me to try his BK Big Fish(R) before he ate it to see if there were any biological weapons in it…then when I said I wouldn’t because I thought BK Big Fish’s (R) were quite heinous…he waited a few seconds before devouring it anyway.

So why do you hate us?“Well you all hate me much more…don’t you? I haven’t posted all of your faces all over my ‘broadcasts’…and what’s the deal with this cartoon The Flintstone’s?…that’s my home you’re making fun of there-you even need to AMERICANIZE that?!?!?! ”

Come on Osam…you started it…most people here didn’t even know you before September 11th?Well, it all started back in my post-adolescent years as a young Muslim in ‘the Paris of the Middle East”-Beirut, Lebanon. And yes…I got my fill of your westernized culture! I dabbled with the ladies…had my fair share of martinis…yea I live the good life. But then there were those American supported Israeli bombings that destroyed that beautiful town. I resorted to alcoholism and didn’t realize it until after I got back home to my family’s palace in Saudi Arabia. I was drinkin’ 3, 4 drinks and hour in those days…man I was always drunk-it’s how I functioned.

When I got back home to Medina, my father wanted me to run his building business and he said I couldn’t unless I dried out—he was a harsh but loving man who thought I would embarrass the family name if I didn’t clean up my act…so he admitted me into the Ms. Khalid ibn ‘Abd al-`Aziz Al Faysal Al Sa’ud Clinic over there in Riyadh. They taught me to overcome my tendancy to ‘fall off the wagon’ by focusing in more on Mohammed and Islam….I guess I have what some people call a sort of ‘obsessive personality…

Anyway..,ever since I joined the ranks of those ‘recovering alcholics’ like many of my sustance dependant compadres …I have had a bit control issue. Yes…maybe I to control the entire world …but what about your president George W. Bush, another recovering alcoholic…is he much better?

So you want us to appreciate or leave your culture alone…so now that you’re here do you appreciate anything about our culture?Yes…I like that show “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol” cause I like bash ‘em up…smash ‘em ups…Oh!, I also like COPS…those rapster terrorists are doin’ a much better IF I could join forces with all those ‘gangsters’ -ol’ Bushee would have real hell to pay!! Have you seen how they’ve bombed out all of those buildings in their neighborhoods?…choice work!! I am sure there used to be lots of rich oil owners inside ‘em—and they made them all scatter away-choice!

What I’ve got a real problem with is that Danner Tanner guy and all those annoying squeky girls that look the same. Your families are really strange…don’t you Americans ever talk about anything important like religion or gihad? That Joey Gladstone guy REALLY ticks me off!!! I heard he caused that Alanis Morrisette terrorist faction and don’t think that we were effected by it too! If Bush is fighting terrorism…why doesn’t he get that guy too?”

//// So at that point he got up and left…just like that. He didn’t come with anyone…I told him that I could give him a ride home but he didn’t anser and I saw him hop onto a bus heading east. I didn’t even get to ask him what his favorite event was in 2002 Winter Olympics(R). You want to know what else…I had to clean up after him and boy did he make a disgusting mess with the remains of his BK Big Fish (R)…has this guy no manners?

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Boyairee was born in French Canadian Block of Detroit City in 1925. His father worked as a middle-manager at Ford’s industrious and over powering River Rouge plant…he never knew his mother really well, although he visited her several times where she lived in Grosse Pointe Woods-all he knew about her profession is that she provided ’services’ there and she apparently did quite well.

Boyairre has made his living on the basis of his perceptions since he left home for the ‘Dayton Mall’ in 1939 and he never looked back. Now he has been on the roads by our math for over 63 years and in that time he has added to his perspective while also developing a ’slur’ in his speech.


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