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"Iowa moves back to Pittsburgh" - The Flint Journal > Daniel P. Beckmann > An Act of GOD! (11-17-02)
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An Act of GOD!

Daniel P. Beckmann, Moderator of Letters
11.16.02-Manly, NSW

What is considered an act of god, you may ask? Well, apparently the reason you haven’t heard from us since before the Halloweenie Happeneenee of 2002, is from one point of reference a bone fide Act of God:

received 10.29.02

Feature Price Web Hosting strives and prides on only using the highest quality equipment for the least possible downtime in the industry. However, regardless of stature in the industry and or manufacture you utilize and entrust with your sites you will always have failure at one point or another.

Below you will find out further information on the recent problems in which you may have encountered while trying to connect to our network.

Subject: OUTAGE
Approx. 0900hrs - Noticed packets out of sequence
Approx. 1000hrs - began trace
Approx. 1100hrs - Notified Administration of possible network congestion
Approx. 1130hrs - Extreme latency introduced into network
Approx. 1200hrs - Network down Emergency
Approx. 1300hrs - Emergency staffing meeting
Approx. 1330hrs - Emergency staffing meeting concludes and Representatives try to answer concerned clients.
Approx. 1400hrs - Called Cisco Systems TAC center for P1 case
Approx. 1410hrs - Dispatched Diagnostic equipment on to network
Approx. 1600hrs - Located possible causes
Approx. 1630hrs - Began Replacement of suspected causes
Approx. 1800hrs - Still trying to resume network operations
Approx. 2000hrs - Located a Line Card and Possible laser fault in our 10G backbone to our GSR Core
Approx. 2100hrs - Cisco Systems locating parts to air ship
Approx. 2400hrs - Parts arrive via private courier
Approx. 2430hrs - Network Operations Resume Normal OUT
Remaining hours close intrusive testing and monitoring.

This is not covered by our UPTIME GUARANTEE due to faulty workmanship in equipment (act of god)

We apologize in case you have already received this email. We want to make sure all of our customers actually receive it. Once again, thank you for your patience.

Once again, please feel free to call us anytime at our customer support service number: 800-605-4883.

If you are located internationally (not in the continental United States), please make sure to call us at the following number: +1-941-461-6031.

Hmm…so a why does god have it out for tomarken? What the hell did we do?

After this outage of biblical proportions, god wrath’s continued to plague tomarken and its subsidiaries projects. All official tomarken emails were lost and at first could not be returned. Later they were thrown back at us in a box, out of order and majorly distorted.

So we tried to escape god’s wrath by packing it all up and moving to another neighborhood-one that allows pornographic websites too, hoping that god maybe won’t strike us here(And we called this a move? I’m sitting here in the same place I was before we moved? We have the same name, in fact the same address. We have the same furniture, we’re paying the same amount for less space though, but honestly, we still have plenty of space. The Future.)

Surprisingly enough, god is everywhere and has wreaked other outages to tomarken since we have moved. So what’s next in this jihad?–Maybe we need an exhoricist!!

To read more on Featureprice and their use of thy lord’s name in vien click here

The tomarken vision post year 2002-take a bite of the Eskimo Pie¬ģ…

IN the journ-o world they like to mark events, have anniversaries for horrible happenings?its news to mark the number of times something has happened so far in year, or possibly how many weeks its been since the last murder, death, pillage, or large storm. Someone must keep track of all these important tidbits somewhere and those tidbits must be quite important to thoose people. But just maybe that stuff that some people find so important is really just the filler.

With this in mind, this very website was conceived a little over a year ago–The tomarken name was officially registered a little over a year ago right now that is. Without the damages sustained from the end of October, within a year of conceiving the idea, not just acting on it, we almost broke our record month in October, 32,000 hits per month. First we smashed the 100,000 mark, then the 200,000 mark! All this and we haven’t been forced yet to claim to do anything more than avoid the zero sum gain.

Click here for October 2002 Stats

So, in order to demarcate the first full rotation of the world known as tomarken, By this FEB. 03, we will be rolling out some new concepts and features, while improving others and all of this with the positive movement forward those liberals are banning guns for while still maintaining the positive movement backward to the way it used to be in the days when everyone was happy those conservatives are gunning guns for.Some new features to come before our first anniversary that are sure to be real winners:

1) The ForuM
We will pose questions and you can answer them directly below!-No more time waiting for that stinky tomarken response to do it for you!
Some SAMPLE ForuMs:
A) Time moves faster when you get older, doesn’t it? Why? I mean like one day in elementary school was like a whole year, now a day feels more like 10 minutes, six months a lunch break.
B) Dick Clark?
C) Sam Donaldson’s Hair
D) Time Warp:1980s and Cocaine, 2000s and Cocaine; 1980s and Mondale loses, 2000s and Mondale loses;

2) The Robotic School of Journalism
An experiment into whether or not news and information requires manning any more…an interesting concoction of information, sure to abolish zero sum gains to smithereens-kindom com->zero sum gain go cablamo!

3) Direct emailing of objects directly to your friends!
Pilfering without you having to actually do the pilfering yourself!

4) More use of red letters
Now that I have found out how to do it, expect more eye catching red lettering

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